Conflict and Ephesians 

Looking to the Synod and the voting down of women bishops in November 2012, we can observe the division and resentment it caused. And we can remind ourselves of that wonderful line from Ephesians exhorting us to ‘Bear with one another in love.’ (Ephesians 4:2)

‘But they are wrong!’ proclaims one side.

‘But they are wrong!’ proclaim the other.

Bearing with one another in love 

In my work as an author and speaker on conflict and collaboration I often talk about the power of saying ‘Yes, and…’ instead of ‘Yes, but...’ It is an effective and simple technique that can transform arguments and strained relationships and it chimes in wonderfully with the Ephesians message.

When we approach conflict from a position of ‘Yes, and…’ we are shaping our mind to recognise the points that we share in common. Conversely, ‘Yes, but…’ is reductive, dismissing the other person’s opinion, status and thinking and trumping it with our own. There is no love in ‘Yes, but…’, there is only rejection.

‘Yes, and…’ challenges us to hold a range of possible interpretations and understandings. This can be a challenge for the Christian believer. For many there is a perception that there is only one way, the truth and the light. They are also commonly convinced that they are privileged to know what that one way is.

United but not uniform

It is correct that there is only one way, the truth and the light, and that is Jesus. But Jesus was talking about the way to the Father (John 14:6). There is only one head to the body, that is Christ, and then beneath that is the ‘whole body’ with all of its inconsistencies, seemingly conflicted needs, desires, roles and priorities (Ephesians 4:15-16). The challenge is to be united not uniform.

How often are conflicts symptoms or ‘vanities of the mind’? (Ephesians 4:17). We can work out what scripture says, prepare a withering argument and present it eloquently, but is that always necessary? Ask yourself this: How many times have you won an argument by proving to somebody they are wrong? Perhaps these are the ‘futilities of the mind’ (Ephesians 4:17).

No, the call to unity in Ephesians is much more simple:

Speak truthfully. Bear with one another and build one another up, not knock them down.

Get rid of bitterness, rage and anger.

And crucially, be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:29-32)

How might this perspective transform how we all approach disagreements and how we listen and respond within the debates that such disagreements create?

Read more from Neil on his blog, or by ordering his book: Conversational Riffs: Creating meaning out of conflict.