How To Criticise Constructively
Matthew 7.1 - 5, Matthew 18.15 - 18, Philippians 4.8
“You know, Heidi, every time I have been travelling recently, it seems as if something goes wrong – the flight is delayed, my luggage gets lost or held up, I get caught in traffic – I am not looking forward to the next trip.”
Heidi, my thoughtful and most helpful critic asked, “Is that the way you want it?”
“Well no, of course not, ” I retorted.
“Then why do you say it? You’ve become more a pain to be around, you moan and complain, and your ability to look forward with hope and optimism is definitely eroded,” she ruefully replied.
After I got over the ego huff and puff of being criticised, Heidi’s words portrayed a truth I could not deny. For the past 35 years I have earned my living by helping people sort out the beliefs, attitudes and behaviours that stand in the way of them making a positive difference in their work, home and daily lives. In fact, I have even written a book, IMPACT! How to Make a Positive Difference, and in it I address both the barriers to fulfillment and core skills and behaviours which lead to a more impactful life.
So to have my own stuff thrown back at me was a sobering shock. The joy was it did lead me to begin to look differently at the travel I was doing, and found that things miraculously got better. Constructive criticism at work.
Speak Truth
The bible and more recently neuroscientists who study how the brain works agree that our mental state is dramatically affected by what we focus on. Paul writes to the Philippians ‘…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.’ (Philippians 4:8).This then, gives us a clue as to what constructive criticism is. If it helps the other person or people to think correctly about something, and as a result change how they view themselves, their circumstances or life in general, then we can play a vital role in offering some criticism.
In fact, Jesus is quoted in Matthew as saying that if someone sins against us it is our responsibility to confront the person (Matt 18:15-18). The same approach is advocated when we discover someone else is offended by us.
So how can we do this constructively, preventing our rebuke from being rejected and causing resentment and broken relationships? Here’s two thoughts:
What is my motive?
Let’s start by first getting our own thinking right. Jesus said don’t judge the other person for the speck in their eye until you first remove the log from your own (Matt 7:1-5). If we have built the bridges of a strong, helpful, loving relationship, then our criticism is much more likely to be well received. Adopting a parental, ‘If only you would…’ approach usually falls on deaf ears or gets a quick rebuke.
Earn the right
One of the programmes we run to support disadvantaged yet talented young people to get into work focuses on the need to build the right atmosphere where we are open to constructive feedback. It involves setting some ground rules for positive changes which take the Golden Rule and make it come alive: ‘You cannot fail, only learn; we are for you, not against you. Earn the right to criticise by having a view of unconditional positive regard.’ Successful graduates constantly testify that the difference between this programme and other approaches they have tried is the environment created by their coaches: care and support first, followed by how they were challenged to make positive choices.So this week, even today, why not take a chance at helping someone you love and care about to change for the better? Work hard to build the bridge that allows you to speak truth into them for their good, then watch God use this in a miraculous way.